I count the times you called me names.

You’d play on it, act mean.

I loved to play our little games,

Then go home late to happy dreams.

They say boys first show love as hate,

But I never understood.

And now, although time’s getting late,

We’re acting as we should.

Happily laughing through our days,

Until we part our separate ways.

I spent the weekend turning the frown upside down.

On Saturday I woke early to brilliant sunshine. I grabed some clothes and a quick breakfast and got out of the door as quickly as I could. First off I drove to the beach and sat and watched the waves for a while. Before long I spotted some dolphins making quite a splash. A wonderful start to the weekend. Then I went on a drive up north to a little bay where I had a walk.

I returned to the city feeling refreshed and spent the afternoon chilling out in my flat. I got a surprise when I looked out of the window and saw snow falling! It felt nice and cozy to be inside and I indulged myself by baking some lemon drizzle muffins.

On Sunday I awoke to a white covering on the ground. I took a walk through my local park. It was beautiful as the sun was shining again making the snow sparkle. Children were out with sledges. It was lovely to watch.

On Sunday afternoon I called my mum for a pep talk. She helped a lot and I talked through my problems and the ways they could be fixed.

On Monday I decided to be more assertive. I emailed my boss and told him I needed some other work to do to keep me busy. He found me some, which is both helping him and is training for me. I was dubious about whether I could teach myself to do it, but so far I am managing it surprisingly well, and not hating it as much as before. Hopefully this is a step forward!

I’ve shown interest in a number of volunteering positions which will hopefully get back to me soon so that I can fill my spare time up more. Tonight I also signed up for a scheme called City Socialising which enables you to meet up with other people for various social things. I’ve already signed up for drinks and a walk this weekend so fingers crossed they go well.

Here’s to hoping that things will soon slot into place and life will feel more full!

What is a smile worth,

if it is veiling a tear?

What use is a laugh,

if it is hiding fear?

What’s the point in singing,

if it covers a tortured soul?

And what is love,

if your heart is full of holes?

A smile shows perseverance through hardship,

A laugh, bravery in the making,

Singing is the knowledge of better times,

And love, love is the greatest gift, though it may be fragile and aching.

I pretty much just burst into tears last night when I got through my door. To be honest by about 4pm I was struggling not to cry into my computer screen at work.

Do you ever wonder if you’ve really messed up and made completely the wrong decision?

Maybe Probably I’m being melodramatic.

I had my reservations about returning to this job. And now it feels like all the reasons behind those reservations were right. I’ve been here three weeks now and I still haven’t been able to start my actual work. The things I need still haven’t been delivered to me, which means I have very little to fill my working hours with. I hate not being busy.

I feel useless. My colleagues are all rushed off their feet. And yet there is nothing I can do to help. Because I have no useful skills. The only aspect of this job I can do is the part for which I have no equipment for.

I’m feeling useless at work and lonely at home and it’s all just become too much this week.

In addition to all that I have had another company that I applied for work with months ago get in touch with me over the last couple of weeks offering me positions. And I can’t help but wonder, although it would still be far from perfect…would that have been better?

I’m sure this has just been a blip. I’m almost certain things will improve with time. I need to fill up my free time to make life better. I need to find new people to mix with. I’m thinking about joining a gym and doing some volunteering.

But just now I’m worrying. I’m really hoping that this isn’t it for the next year. Have I made an absolutely massive mistake here? I hope this isn’t a one track path to nowhere

Oh. My. Goodness. It was scary. I cannot believe it’s only rated as a 12. My friend and I agreed that if we had seen it age 12 we would be properly damaged. We struggled to cope with it in our 20s!

I knew the vague storyline. so obviously was expecting it to be scary, but it was may more so than I expected. I was hiding behind my coat. It wasn’t one of those films where the scary bits only come occasionally either. It was constantly petrifying.

I don’t do scary. I don’t do horror. I wanted to see this though because it is such a good story. Being set in the Victorian times makes it seem a bit more understandably scary than some of the modern mindless gore that horror films are often made up of. The simple fact that there is no electricity or no telephones make everything worse.

As petrifying as it was, it has been brilliantly made. It’s full of suspense the whole way through and it keeps you literally on the edge of your seat. If you know the story, either the book or play, it does have it’s own take and the ending is somewhat different. It’s a sad film, and certainly not a feel good movie but well worth seeing. But I most certainly recommend taking someone to hold your hand and don’t return to an empty flat by yourself afterwards. Especially not at night!

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day, but I tried not to notice. Ok, so that’s a lie. When people are splashing Facebook with either the beautiful gifts they’ve received or declaring their hatred for the day it’s hard to miss. One of my facebook friends summed it up quite nicely in her status…

Ah, Valentine’s day. Half my Facebook is happy, half my Facebook is ready to jump off a bridge.

It was also fairly hard to miss, when I was walking home, when every second person I passed was carrying beautiful bouquets of flowers.

But for once, I didn’t let it get to me. Much.

I headed round to my friends and she cooked a lovely dinner, and then we collapsed on her sofa in front of the fire and watched some trashy tv. We drank wine and ate heart shaped chocolates. And it was nice just to forget about the day and enjoy some lovely company. I did have another tiny reminder  and a small pang of jealousy when a beautiful bouquet was delivered to her from her boyfriend who’s working away…but other than that it was a lovely way to spend the evening.

I hope those of you with that someone special in your lives had a wonderful day and I hope the rest of you made the most of all the other special people you have!

Who needs boys when you have wonderful friends!?

*That my dad got his bald patch when some angry man came to our back door and hit him on the head with an axe.

*That I would get thrown overboard from a CalMac Ferry for wearing a P&O Ferries jumper onboard.

What funny things did you believe when you were small?

I know my condition is nothing compared with what some sufferers face and I try to remember that. But sometimes, when it flares up it’s hard to resist the urge to literally tear my skin off.

Today is one of those days. It’s by no means the worst it gets, but my neck has flamed up. I’d love to just crawl out of my skin today and forget about the irritation and pain and tightness. Not to mention the way it looks. Thankgoodness I have a nice selection of scarves!

And then just when you think you’ve survived that…Valentines day comes blasting in.

Not that valentine’s day is a big deal. I know its commercialism gone crazy. But still, it acts as a reminder for all of us single people, rubbing in that fact a little bit more. Although it can be over commercialised and tacky, just once it would be nice to get a card. Would you believe I have never been given a valentines card!?

As a singleton, as much as you try to not let it get to you, being surrounded by couples brings a tinge of sadness. I must admit to having leaked a few more tears than normal at the most ridiculous moments in romcoms  and tv programmes lately. A sure sign that I need to make every effort to get myself back out there and find myself a nice man this year.

So here we are, almost valentine’s day again. We’re another year older. Possibly slightly wiser, but no less single. Still a hopeless romantic.

Valentine’s Day don’t break my heart!

Panic. What to do. Should I drive to work? Should I leave the car and walk? It didn’t look like rain, but still….

Cue a phonecall to mum and dad. I tried hard to stay calm. A blown fuse was what Dad suggested. We decided it was best for me to walk to work and sort the car out later. So there was not much left to do than set off. I wasn’t really dressed for the walk, but didn’t have time to return and change. I walked briskly to keep warm. Half way into the journey the tears began to well up. You know the feeling. On the verge of tears.  Desperately fighting them back.  I suddenly felt a very long way away from home and felt like reverting back into my inner child. I wasn’t sure what to do.

No. I couldn’t cry. I would not arrive at work looking teary and puffy faced. You can cry, like you always do when things go wrong, I told myself, or you can be calm and deal with it. I chose to get a car and I chose to move a long way away. I chose the life I’m currently living. And when I made those decisions I knew I had to go it alone. I knew there would be problems I would face and I would have to handle them by myself. I’d chosen the path towards adulthood, albeit a rather fast route. And therefore I have to learn how to deal with the things that happen along the way.

I gave myself a good talking to along the way and managed to calm myself before arriving at work.

After a text to a friend, I had an offer of help from her boyfriends father who would help me this evening. I was so relieved to know that there was someone in this big city that was willing to help me.

Then at work, I had a phonecall from my parents again. We discussed what to do and how easy it would be. Throughout the afternoon I managed to persuade myself I could do it. I researched the problem on the internet and found out how to solve it. Apparantly it’s common for this to happen in this type of car in very cold weather. I left work early, called in at Halfords to get new fuses and a screwdriver. I returned home to my car as the sun was setting, hoping that I would find enough light to manage. I planned on phoning my dad again to have him talk me through it. But at the last minute I decided to just try it myself first.

And you know what!? I did it! By myself. And I felt so proud of myself for doing it. I called my parents again to let them know. I couldn’t have done it without their support, and I couldn’t have done it without the help of someone’s comments online. But ultimately I’d done it myself. For once, I’d managed to solve the problem myself without simply bursting into tears and hoping someone else would step in. And that feels great. Sometimes things go wrong. But sometimes they can be fixed without a major panic. Most of the time it’s not the end of the world.

And you know, I think, maybe I actually am making progress. Maybe I am beginning to learn how to survive as an adult!